Sunday, July 7, 2013

way way way way waaaay too long since I last posted.

Not that it matters... Pretty sure no one but My own little self reads any of this crap. Yes kids, crap. I had hoped that when next My fingers communicated to this particular incarnation of  'My blog' (yes, there are several) that it would be all settled out, sunshine and rainbows aplenty. Not so. Still plodding along in My efforts to be the most awesome Domina that ever walked the earth. Still failing...miserably.

There have been some new directions taken outside of My own personal environs. I have begun (falteringly at that) to offer up My dominance, such as it is, to the general public, for money. Yes yes, I am sure that if I fail so miserably in My own domain, taking it professional would seem like a stupid idea. I have days where I feel that way too, but at this point in My evolution, I like the idea of making some extra cash doing what I love. Turns out, I do not love it as much as I thought I would, in this incarnation. I find I must love, to love what I am doing, if that makes any sense. The ones that come to Me to submit I find I have no emotional investment in...which makes it harder to enjoy what I am doing. I have two semi regulars that come when finances and time allow, both profess to either a)love Me or b) be addicted to Me. Why does this not make My heart sing because I can finally practice My art on a completely willing subject? Because I do not love them or find them addictive in the slightest. They are both very nice men and treat Me with the utmost respect, but My heart, for some reason, needs to be in it.

I am caught again, caught in the web of needing to give love along with the gift of My dominance. Caught in the sticky strands of My need to be needed being met with only a shadow of what it should be, doled out for cash for the electric bill, or the gas tank.

During this evolution, if that is indeed what it is, I have begun going to MAsT meetings locally, a munch or two. One of My regular guys has been in the life for 30 years, and in addition to his paid sessions (at a reduced rate) He takes Me out to dinner as his arm candy (makes Me feel a bit more like an escort than a domina because honestly he is quite opinionated and becoming more so by the day) He takes Me  around to different places and introduces Me to other kinksters in My local scene. I thought this would be a wonderful opportunity to get My professional name out there, but it is turning out not to be the case. I have met some wonderful people, one or two that seem genuinely interested in helping Me along, but it seems all I am getting out of the deal is an inferiority complex. That old fraud ghost coming back to haunt Me, because I cannot seem to get My own house in order as far as D/s is concerned and these people are living what I only dream of in My secret heart and it hurts. Bad.

My dear hubby Lynn no longer wears My collar, that ended when I took it from him (temporarily I thought) when his lady came to visit, so that she would not have to see or feel My mark upon him, should they decide to get frisky. When I returned from NYS he refused it, and asked Me 'what's the point' My heart took a blow that hurt for a month afterwards. He is now exploring his Dominant side. Searching for someone that is a true masochist to play with. I told him he would not be allowed to dominate Me or rory, but he has in small ways, more and more. (as if that hasn't been what has been going on from day one)

rory has pulled back from Me. He always phrases it so beautifully, in his concern for Me he has decided to take less and less because to his mind I can't afford to give it. WHEN DID I SAY I COULDN'T AFFORD IT? All I want is to give to him. What I got back from him was always just about enough to keep Me satisfied, it was only just shy of complete. I suppose it was enough to keep Me satisfied enough to not want to step back in return, but lately that what I feel Myself doing, because it hurts too much to keep giving when he has decided to spurn what I offer. The things I ask of him, have fallen by the wayside. There is very little that he is willing to do at My behest. I have taken over the housework, including the tasks that were always his, garbage, mowing, putting dishes away feeding the animals, because he can't seem to handle it anymore, or I am afraid to ask him to perform them. Our lovely times when I lock him up at night are now met with him turning his back to Me and picking up a book. So many nights over the past week I have sat and waited for him to speak to Me, or tried to make him laugh and all I get is stony silence. I can't even communicate the pain it causes Me. My Domina's mind always believes that he is waiting for Me to leave so he can have a good wank and go to sleep. That part of My mind says,'aha, yes he is turning away because he does not want to give you access to your favorite part of him, silly cow.'(yes sexually we are out of sorts as well) I miss him, I miss us. I will be broken if this continues. Even the things he used to take pleasure in: picking out My clothes and jewelry each morning, cooking meals, waking Me when he got home from work, with a gentle touch, taking pleasure from My craving for his body,  giving Me  pleasure, all seem to be drudgery for him anymore. He said once that in a past relationship he was made into an unwilling ghost, relegated to his own space in the house and only called on when needed for something. I promised him I would never make him a ghost. What terrifies Me... This time he is the one making himself a ghost...and I don't know how to handle it!

 I tire... the tears are threatening. More another day...

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Rant Ranty Rant Rant

The day fast approaches! I have a week until My hubby's lady arrives. I have been cleaning like a madwoman. This may sound strange to you as I am supposed to be a Dominant woman with two slaves to do My bidding.

Yeah right. The fight it would take to actually get the house looking like I want it through these two would take way longer than I have the time (or patience) to attempt.

Anyway, the kitchen gleams and has been reorganized. I cannot tell you the state it was in without severe embarrassment. Indeed, the entire house was in such a state because I could not get past the fact that I HAVE TWO SLAVES! WHY AM I DOING ALL THE BLOODY WORK! So I sat, and played Queen of the Castle while the dust bunnies and dog hair and dust accumulated on every visible and invisible surface in My domain, because I REALLY thought I had slaves. TWO of them. Wrongo sister,

I suppose I have to let go of that particular mindset and just do the shit Myself. I would love to have the willing boys, who will drop to their knees unbidden and look up at Me and murmur with awe...Is there anything you require of me, my most illustrious and worthy Mistress? Anything at all? Name it and it is Yours.  I dunno how some of the people on Fetlife find these types of subbie men, but MINE are not having that, No siree.

I always claimed that I did not want a doormat, I think My opinion on that score is changing. I really would like to have someone that has a lovely personality in the in between times, when service is not at the forefront, but that seems about as mythical as the 'unicorn' you hear tell of in some BDSM circles. I don't understand why it is so bleeding difficult for My two to switch between being My companions and being MY SLAVES. What gives? Anyone have any ideas?

 Just to not have to repeat Myself eighty times, or remind several times throughout the day, of a particular task (yes TASK, usually just one or two, not a whole raft of shit that will keep them working from morning till night) that has been asked of one or the other of them would be lovely. I guess them having lovely personalities bars them from just letting go and being directed. I dunno. I am baffled. I am constantly making adjustments for their comfort, and damn little is being adjusted for Mine. I have written these rants before and gotten nowhere with them. They have read them. They don't seem to care or see how much I give. One complains that he doesn't get enough of Me.(surly attitude goes a long way towards making Me want to spend time with you ... NOT)  I am to blame for all of it because of My soft spot for the other apparently. Mistakes were made, mea culpa. Move the FUCK ON!

The other, well he is thick as a brick, as they say. I blame it on his Aspergers Syndrome, since I have tried everything short of beating the piss out of him, to get him to just give up and work with Me here.  Wait, no, I did try the beating the piss out of him ONCE. He ended up in a corner bawling his eyes out, and again I had to give some more, even though I was highly irate at him at the time. He needed Me, so I gave what he needed. Never ended up clearing up the issue as to why I was so irate, because he was in such a state it didn't seem to matter anymore. He has this incredible sweetness, and his sense of humor is matched perfectly with mine, he is a monster in the bedroom, I could not ask for better and I love him so much it hurts sometimes, but I need to feel he is with Me on this whole D/s thing. In the beginning...he seemed to be, but he just can't seem to do it lately. At all. ...or at the very least on HIS terms. UGH I hate that phrase!

All of this rant started with the house being clean for company (not Mine, My husband/slave's) His long distance girlfriend is coming for a visit. My pride won't let Me leave the place a wreck. I want it all to be perfect for them. I don't want the dust bunnies and dog hair to be on his mind while he is wooing his lady. On the other hand resentment creeps in every now and then in the midst of the cleaning spree. Why the hell should I have to clean for his gf? It should be him doing it, not Me. He is a slave for Pete's sake! (he has physical issues, but when I am in that resentful headspace I really could care less.) Add to that, a little irksome detail about him quitting smoking for her before she arrives. OK last fall I got ill and had to quit smoking. I asked that he join Me, I asked that he not smoke around Me. It didn't seem that important to him at the time. So I resent that she is worth it but I am not.

The one good thing at the end of all this bullshit, is I get to go away with My younger boy for a few days while hubby entertains his lady. The bad about THAT is...I will be going to visit his family and will not really be spending the time with JUST him. It rubs Me wrong, that his father expects us not to share a room. So here I thought I was going to sleep beside My love for a few precious days, and I have to sneak it... I have to hide it, still. I even asked hubby if there were any caveats for when we go away... because he is so freaked out about Me having sex with the younger one. I actually ASKED him that? wtf? He didn't answer. Felt like a big fuck you. I have given him My blessing to do whatever springs to mind with his lady. I think I am being pretty fucking magnanimous here and he couldn't even answer Me on that one point.

sigh.. don't even know where the hell I was going with all this... it is just a tangled wreck of feeling abused, for Me. I thought I was supposed to be the one on top. Every day that passes I sink lower beneath their needs. What the hell am I doing here?

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Time for a little time away...

My, My, My...

I did not realize until now that I had not written a word here since March!
Things are mostly the same. I bounce from reveling in My power, to abject fear and insecurity that My all is not good enough. That My boys are not what they pretended to be.

Right now, things are on a high. I have been going to work with one or the other of My boys, helping them in their respective stores. I like the work, it gets them out earlier and no one seems to mind Me going in and working for free. (So far)

There is also a vacation in the works for My darling boy, rory and Myself. lynn is having his longtime LDR lady for four days, and rory and I are absconding to Syracuse for those days to visit with his father, whom I have not met.I am a little nervous, as I am twenty years rory's senior, and his Dad is an upstanding christian type guy. (ex meth cooker/dealer) <---hoping that helps in the judgment department.

So, lynn is having way more physical issues than he used to. I am thinking I may need to retire him from the hard chores around the house. I will still keep his collar on but the hard stuff is going to fall to Me and rory. That being said, rory is working ridiculous hours lately, so basically in the next two weeks before the trip, I will be getting the house all spiffy, with a little help from rory.

If you had asked Me  a few months ago if I thought I would ever be able to ride off into the morning sun with rory beside Me, I would have asked you if you were smoking crack. As it stands, The night before we leave,  lynn's lady will be taking My place in our bed. I find it kind of funny.  We had planned to leave the same day his lady was to arrive, until she spoke up and asked that we delay our trip for a day because she wanted to meet us both. All the dates are worked out after some worry as to whether rory would be able to get the time off. I was not looking forward to reworking all the dates we originally picked.

I just hope his Dad doesn't mind My age, and our odd situation too much or it will kind of make the trip a bit strained for Me.

Here's hoping!

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Better Than Expected.

rory's friend (ex) from Maine visited. Her reason for coming, which I had suspected all along, was to see if he was miserable and to save him if that was the case. Things went better than expected. She was on the verge of tears at his happiness. (or so she said) She professed that it was because she was happy for him. I suspect otherwise. Her plans, which I am sure were well fleshed out in her head of whisking him away from a cruel woman that abused him, had been thwarted by the shine in his eyes towards Me,  his genuine smile, and his joy and playfulness. We went to dinner at our favorite Asian restaurant. he and I shared some funny albeit a bit off color remarks, warm smiles and genuine affection, and it seemed she did not know exactly what to do with that.

She had, during our chat correspondence leading up to her visit, professed a need to speak to him alone. I told her there was nothing she could say  in private that she could not say with Me present, and to ask him and he would tell her the same. She replied, that he already had, which brought an amused smile and an upwelling of love for My boy. The day before she was to arrive she said her plans had changed and instead of stopping briefly to say hello and continuing on to Georgia, she was only stopping here, and would be in town for three days. I found this quite annoying and a little conniving, I mentioned that we are not far from Washington DC or Philadelphia and that she may not get another chance to see either and should spend some time exploring. Meaning, yes I agreed to dinner and an evening hanging out at the house, but no more than that, and that her having extra time would not mean that any of it would be spent here.

When we returned from dinner the evening she arrived. I stepped out the back door to smoke, as she said she had respiratory issues and I did not want to exacerbate them by blowing smoke in her face. While I was outside, the two of them were in the kitchen within My sight. I walked back in to hear rory asking her if it mattered that he trusted Me with his life, to which her reply was 'No'. Hmmm I thinks to Myself, wonder what that was about? I let it pass.

I did ask him when she went in the other room to make a call, what, indeed, it had been about. He said she still wanted to talk to him alone. I sat back down at My computer and mulled it over a bit. She had returned by then and after some minutes had passed, I looked over My glasses at her and asked her 'how long will this conversation of yours take?' She looked a bit taken aback at My even knowing it was mentioned, which I pointedly ignored. She answered 'I don't really know.' I put my glasses back in place and returned to My computer for some minutes longer. I then took My boy aside, in the living room and asked him if he indeed wanted to have the conversation, to which he responded, 'yeah, I am kind of curious' (about what is so important that she had to drive all this way to say it.) or that was My interpretation of it.

I granted permission and set him up with the xbox and instructed him to play and talk so that he had a distraction if she tried to twist him up in any fashion.  I left the living room and granted her permission.
He told Me afterward, that despite his hopes that she had grown up, it was not the case, but it was nice to have closure with her at any rate. Many of My suspicions were confirmed by his report of the conversation.

I really do not know why I granted her permission to come visit in the first place. Somehow I had neglected to outright ask rory if he even wanted her to. In any case it worked out well and I am glad I did.

My happy boy

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Bits and Pieces

A lot has happened since I last vented My spleen onto the page.

My son and his girl broke up. He is angry, she is moving on. My particular role in it was to try and help them both see the other side of things. She is moving on. We are still friends, she still sleeps at My house two weeks out of the month, she has a key. We shall see how it goes.

He keeps wanting sympathy that I can't really give him at this point. I tried to make him see that he had a part in the break up. But he is in pain and will not see it. I have also tried to give her a bit more insight into how she could have done things differently, but she is seized with the overwhelming need to be properly Dominated, and he was moving too slow for her, and she found someone that suited her better in that scenario, although her heart is still with My son, she needed the D/s more right now. Sad, but there it is.

Rory and I had a brief falling out that at the time felt like the end of the world to Me. We have worked it out and are closer for it. But it really had Me in fear of losing him, or of his view of what we are doing here changing so drastically that it would be the end result at any rate.

We have been without transportation for at least two months, the truck blew up and finances are such that the garage we sent it to let it sit in their lot for nigh on a month. Hubby was assured that they would get to the end, it is at another garage, and has sat for a week. I do surely hope that when the tax check comes we can get the fucker back. rory is of a mind that it did not have to wait this long to be taken care of. He is also a bit bitter because he was saving for a car of his own and when we got caught with our pants down money wise, he contributed a full thousand dollars to the cause of getting the truck a new engine, and we still do not have it back. I told him no, that it was his money for his car and he was not to use it for anything but that. He handed it to Me anyway, his eyes told Me, what else are we going to do, if I don't give you this money, everything unravels financially and we will all not only be without transportation, but homeless too. Lynn said thank you but it was meager and did not sound at all heartfelt.

I have been finding rides quite often for My dear drew/lynn, I have been wearing out My welcome with My friends as far as our transportation issues are concerned. This is where the trouble starts, My beautiful boy, rory was stuck for a ride to work one day after receiving a call from the ride he thought he had, and I did not try any of My friends on his behalf because I knew each one, and their situation at the time would not allow for it. Before he went to bed I promised rory I would put out a call on Facebook to see what I could come up with. I had done it for drew and garnered decent results. I locked the chain to his collar kissed him goodnight and told him I would give it a last ditch effort on Facebook.

I came back down and sat at my computer and began to feel very ill. The reason was something to do with My other slave and an argument that was going on, online. I am very sensitive to the energy people throw, and whomever was having issue, seemed to be dumping it all on Me, albeit unwittingly. Feeling so sick threw any thought of  posting the call on FaceBook right out of My head.

Fast forward to the morning, I had to go wake rory and tell him that he had no ride, and so, would be riding his bike to work that morning. He was angry and hurt, first by My not making the same volume of calls on his behalf as I normally did for drew, second and most of all because the only other way I had to try and find one, I 'neglected'. He does have a bike, and the ride is only five miles, but he was beyond irked, I heard an audible snap when he asked if I had posted the call on FB and told him 'no baby' and tried to explain why. I felt the ice descend. I can't explain how it made Me feel.

He got himself together and committed himself to getting his bike and taking off. I heard him down in the foyer, I could feel the anger coming off him. Then I heard a tire pop, and a loud and rage filled "FUCK!"
after which he yelled up "I guess I am walking to work! have a nice day you selfish asshole!" Directed at drew because the truck has been in the garage for two months.

Of course that led to much discourse between Myself and drew. I wanted to focus on rory, on holding his hand through his walk... but I reached for his energy and was shut out. It scared Me, I thought he would come home and tell Me he would be seeking placement elsewhere. When he arrived home, he seemed better, although still cold and icy. I lay beside him as he slept  after his shift, and he felt like a different person. It was all very disquieting. I after waking he tried to reassure Me but My mind was playing havoc with Me. I told him I wanted to know what went on in his head as he walked to work, as I could not reach him, I knew he was in a dark place at the time, and it hurt Me that he had to shut down. I told him to write it for Me, as when he is upset, the best way for him to get it out and move on, is if he writes. I would like to post it here to give a better understanding of where he was at the time.

Where do I begin?

This morning found me at a crossroads I thought I'd never see. I found
myself isolated, alone, with nothing but words and hollow apologies to
comfort me. I spent an hour and a half of my life, six miles of shoe
rubber, pain, and darkness to be alone with my thoughts following this
revelation. I found myself angry, frustrated, hurt, sarcastic, snarky,
and generally feeling very much without any sort of contact.

Ten cars passed me between the time I left, and the time I got to
work. None of them even slowed. I began to wonder what I did, what
karmic retribution I was suffering, wondered what I had done to
deserve what was being done to me. I wondered about the words that
have been so lovingly spoken to me, in the still of the night and in
the times alone, and began to piece things together.

All of the times I was told that I was the treasured one, the cherished pet, the love that took you by surprise and brought you joy despite the hardships it entailed...They
were all when we were alone. You've never expressed the sentiment even
in hushed tones or exchanged glances while He was in the room. It's
always been "I love you," or "I need you." It's never been anything

The fact that all it took was for him to be talking to someone
off-color in a computer program to make you forget about the ONE thing
you were willing to try for me stung me more than walking through the
briars. I knew you had exhausted your options, I had as well... that
is the ONE venue You have that I do not... and all it took was Him
throwing some negativity to make you forget completely about it. You
never forgot to try to help Him, even if you knew your venues were
exhausted, and no matter how much time it took away from US you always
made the time for it. He wasn't speaking to you, He wasn't engaged
with you, yet He controlled everything about it from the time I went
upstairs at 2100 until you went to bed.

I angrily accepted, in the midst of my walk, as I choked on the
sulfurous off-pouring from the refinery, that I would never be serving
you. I love you, I cherish you, I worship you in my way with every
fiber of my being... but it will always ultimately be Him that I
serve. Because He controls you, mind, body, and spirit. He controls
your identity, alienates the few friends you have left, forces your
hand when He desires it, and spins your words when they don't suit
Him. He serves when He wants, and has an excuse for every other time
He doesn't want to. "Oh, my legs hurt." "Oh, I meant it this way."
"Oh, I was going to do it later." "Oh, I thought you meant THIS." I'm
sick and tired of hearing every single excuse that flows from Him like
a verbal artery tap, spurting with every pulse of His manipulative
heart. I'm tired of the attitude He has when you ask Him to do
something He doesn't want to do.

Above all, I am sick of every disparity of punishment. He demands
equality, He demands that we be treated the same, but He couldn't
handle the emotional isolation, the angry words, the anger and
frustration and hurt in your voice. Not because it would break Him,
but because He simply does not pay attention. He has said, to your
face, that You have no way to punish Him. And He proves it with every
passing day, with every small transgression and with every pushing of
the lines. He toes the line, you draw a new one. He crosses it, you
draw a new one. And when you finally DO snap, He turns it right back
on you as a form of disparity, about how You allow me to to do so much
and He has only done this one little thing. He manipulates your
perception, your actions, and has destroyed everything you had
promised to be when I came. He's turned you into the perfect slave...
and while I don't mind being owned by a slave, I don't like seeing
what He does to you.

I wanted to call you heartless. I wanted you to see how much it hurt
me, to have given so much of myself for Him during these times and to
have Him simply laugh when I got the call that I wouldn't have a ride
in the morning. The jokes, the laughter, the jolity of my misfortune
wounded me deeper than I thought they would, and to have you simply
sit there and let Him do it while I desparately ran through everything
I knew to make sure I could make it to the job He got for me, to save
His face and His reputation. To know that you promised to do the one
thing I couldn't, and then His simple influence stripping that from me
and leaving me alone in this ordeal hurt me, and I cut you off to keep
that hurt from spilling over. My soul was crushed. I was numb, I
barely remember moving until the tire popped... and then all I knew
was red.


Great vengeance and furious anger. I wanted to hurt Him. I wanted to
hurt your Master physically. I wanted to punch Him, strangle Him,
break His bones and watch Him writhe in His own agony while I asked
Him how it felt, because this is what He does to me with every single
action He takes. I wanted to make Him feel the pain that I feel, in
the only way that He will understand.

He is a first, for me. Today, I gave up on Him as a human being. I
realized that, no matter what I do, no matter how much I give or what
I try to do, in the end I'm just above pond scum to Him. Something to
stomp on and wipe His boots off while muttering about the
inconvenience I am causing Him. I have lost any shred of what I could
possibly have done for Him, to help Him grow and nurture the hurt
little boy inside. There is no hurt little boy. There is no emotional
trauma, there is only the cold, calculating mind of a mental rapist
that is using every single dirty trick He has to ensure He gets what
He wants whenever He wants it.

I am done. He is officially dead to me. The first person I have ever
determined was beyond hope. And that hurts me more than you will ever

I am in a lot of pain tonight. I am hurting physically: my feet are
blistered, my legs feel like they are on fire from the hip joints
down, and my spine feels like it's been peppered with birdshot. I am
hurting emotionally: I have lost faith in a living, breathing,
sentient mind of my race and all I can feel is pity, I have lost trust
in my Mistress to be able to even make a post on Facebook without His
consent. I am hurting spiritually: I felt You reaching, but You have
always broken through even the Kyanite to get to me... but I was left
alone. In the cold, in the dark, on the black asphalt spiraling
towards my struggling career. I am sick: my stomach is in knots, my
head is pounding, and all I want to do is go to sleep and forget that
this day even happened.

I am sorry, Mistress. I am sorry for my words and what they will do to
you. But unlike Him, I will bend to Your desires even if it hurts.

--lux necronis

As you can see, it really did wound him.. The next day when he woke, and went off to work, he was a bit strained, but the worst of it had passed.  I spent the day much this was going to affect us, how much I had destroyed of our wonderful relationship by not being there. I wrote him a long email addressing My concerns. Before he left for work, he stood at My bedside and inquired as to if I was alright. He asked Me to wear the Kyanite that day...I did not, I stayed in bed until four pm with My fears.
When he arrived home at ten PM I was still out of sorts and asked him to read the email I had sent. Which follows. My text in black his in blue.

> > Hello love,
> >
> > I hope your day went well, you seemed better, if a bit distant when you
> > left this morning.
> >
> > I have read and re-read the message below and I cannot seem to stop. I
> > thought about sending it to lynn 
> > I slept until he got home as I did not want to feel what I was feeling. It
> > lingers, it is still eating at me...I did not notice your use of
> > capitalization until I had re-read it for the umpteenth time. I feel out
> > of sorts, I feel like I don't know exactly what kind of toll this latest
> > has taken on our relationship or indeed on the entirety of this lie we
> > have all been living. I have so many things running in circles in my mind
> > right now, that it is hard to make sense of them.
> >
> > Just after you left today I wanted to ask you, why you thought I should
> > wear the kyanite today, I am used to coping without it...what, in your
> > mind made you think I needed it? Also, why did you choose just then to
> > mention needing your own phone? It confused me.

Because You needed to be calmed, Mistress, and because I knew that you were going to have a difficult day, being alone with your thoughts. I wanted it to be a touch of me just as it is a touch of you when I wear it. I said I needed a phone more for the Bluetooth - something I could keep in my ear and keep a line on you when you needed me.

> > Had this all not happened so recently, I think my mind would not be doing
> > the things it is doing and has been doing all day today. I feel I have
> > broken something very dear to me, the trust that you were finally seeming
> > to give to me wholeheartedly.Much of it has to do with the email and which
> > things still apply and which things do not...some of it has to do with
> > other things that have happened recently that would not have the effect
> > they are having had all of this not happened in the same time period.

You are right, a lot of what happened this past weekend was the culmination of several minor issues coming to bear at once. Things that were weighing on me that I wasn't able to brush off quite so easily, coupled with a couple bits of crassness that just pushed me over the edge. But that only explains the initial snap, not why you continue to feel it is broken even though I have already recovered. Perhaps it is because you did not see the recovery, and I didn't allow you to feel the pain of its initial break. It was intentional - with it, this would have been a lot worse. I know you, you are sensitive to things long after they have left me... and I didn't want to make you suffer while I did not.

> > I worry, that we will not be the same after this. I worry, that you have
> > an opportunity approaching to reconnect with someone who wants a good
> > slave boy to take into her home. You are that despite my protestations to
> > the contrary, and getting better at it every day. I worry that feelings
> > that are bruised for you here, will jump to the fore in her presence and
> > in her direction and I will be let in the dust. I worry that should this
> > happen, I will have no one but myself to blame, since I am the one that
> > has bruised you and created the distance between us by not being able to
> > just tell lynn how it is and how it will be, and for letting you down when
> > you needed me most.

Rosemary had her chance with me, and failed. Like Lynn, she misinterpreted what it meant to be Poly and suffered because she was trying to hurt me, and I ended up liking the man she chose, and have him like me in return, moreso than he did her. She cannot accept certain things about me that you do - most importantly my shifting focci and my occasional disinterest in physical expressions of desire. Perhaps, all other things exhausted, I would consider making the attempt as a stopgap to the place I was needed next... but things are not bad enough for me to think of it, not by a long shot. This would be friendship only, reconnecting with a person from the past that knows me well. That's all it would be, all it has to be.

> > My heart aches, I feel like I am in a fog. I feel that you have turned
> > some corner that not only involves giving up on lynn, but giving up on me
> > in some fashion. I don't know, that click was very rang in my
> > head for ten minutes afterwards, even when you came to hold me in the
> > bathroom, you did it at a distance. I heard something break. You made some
> > kind of decision, a final one, and since, your face has closed down.
> > Sleeping beside you today felt like sleeping next to a stranger, I don't
> > know if that is just you shutting me out to gain some semblance of self
> > preservation.

My sleep did not change, Mistress. I've not shut you out. I opened back up to you while I slept after getting home. You remain closed to me, because you fear what may have happened. You want to remain in blissful ignorance, maintain plausible deniability as to the true extent of the bad, while blinding yourself to the potential good. You want to live in fear of the unknown, because your mind has already played out the worst of what it could be. Until you isolate and identify what your true fear is, you won't be able to open up and see that it is unfounded. You are afraid of my hurt, doubly so because you fear you caused it. Your other may work like that, but I do not.

> > I am scared. my heart feels dead or like it is breaking by turns. I feel
> > like I am being made to choose again I told him when he tried, that I
> > could not. If a choice is to be made I wont be the one to make it.Either
> > you will choose to stay despite this new affront, or you will choose to
> > leave. The same goes for him...he will choose to stay, or go. I refuse to
> > choose. I am committed to making this work, with all it's ugliness and
> > disparity on all sides. that is what committment means to me. I know
> > acceptance has become my buzzword, and you are probably sick and tired of
> > hearing it...because I say it way too much. but I accept the way he is and
> > the way you are, I do not like it, do not know how to change it...but I
> > can no more break him than I could you. If that means I am to spend much
> > of my time feeling broken...fine. I will do my best to give you each what
> > you need and continue to take very little for myself. I accept that as
> > well, and always have...even though I rail against it sometimes, I
> > continue to do it...because to do anything else would mean the end of us.

Acceptance was my buzzword long before it was yours. I accept that things that cannot be changed. My 'giving up' was more for trying to help him grow than accepting his faults. He's locked them in, he dwells on the fissures and chasms of his shortfalls, and doesn't want them filled because then it reveals how much of a codger he has been. He, too, fears what he may see if he opens up, and has decided that he won't. This past event simply solidified my fear that he was beyond redemption... and so I leave him to the fires of his own doubts and guilt. There is nothing more that I can do... I will still try, but I no longer expect that it will work, and will no longer have my soul crushed when it doesn't.

In relation to the concept of breaking... you have, Mistress. In your way. You are training me to serve You as You see fit... accepting certain things and changing others to suit you. It is a slow process, and you've only just begun (you're welcome for the song now in your head), but changes are being made - vital, core changes that will ripple out into everything else. You have succeeded in that, Mistress, and I feel better than I have in a long time for it. These events do not change that. They are two isolated compartments in my mind, and never the twain shall meet.

> > I don't know if all of this is echoing so hollowly with you that you
> > cannot understand it due to the reverberations in your head. Is that what
> > I heard click so loudly? A new unwillingness to trust my words to you? I
> > don't know where this was going.

The click was my failsafe, Mistress, me locking down the blind rage that I saw coming. I've never been able to see it coming so clearly, and cut it so cleanly, as I was able to on Sunday morning. That is because of you, Mistress. You didn't see my retaliation, did not feel my unfocussed anger, because you have taught me to recognize when it comes and to be able to control it before it gets out of control. It is a major step forward for a person who has spent their lives with every emotion out in the open, alienating everyone in the process.

I didn't just lock it down, I also didn't block it from myself. I let it run its course internally, which means it won't rear its head again. I watched it, analyzed it even as I felt it, and was able to reach some conclusions that will help me in the future. This event, Mistress, has confirmed more than it has stripped from me, and has left me with no less trust in you - I've become a better Rory for what you have done for me. Let the emotions run, don't lash out, and solve the issues. You have done that. You. Nobody else. Thank you.

> > My first instinct is to say I am sorry yet again...but I know how much you
> > hate that if it is not going to change. I am all for changing the things
> > that are within my control, by degrees, and I think I have been doing so
> > lately. I am aggrieved that I left you with no safety net the other night.
> > I needed one myself and yours failed because of it. You know as well as I
> > that there are some things that have to stay as they are or this falls
> > apart, at least for now. I will leave it up to you to decide if you can
> > continue to live the lie along with me or not.

My reason for being angry at you, Mistress, is that I saw this coming over a year ago... I tried to warn you, offered my advice as to how to proceed... and you're following EXACTLY what I said, fifteen months later. "Play the game by the rules he has set, and win at it." That's what you are doing, Mistress. But, I know that certain things had to happen first - you had to let him be a hypocrite before you could regain your leverage. That is why I am not angry now. Because I understand this, and because I accept it.

> > I love you, I hate this distance, this broken thing between us. Help me
> > see all its twisted bones and maybe we can make it whole again, you and I.

That's what the email was, Mistress. The twisted bones that I saw in my moment of fury.

>>You once told me, when I said I wanted to shout how I feel from the rooftops,
> > that the two of us knowing was all that was needed. Has that changed?

Just as you want to shout it from the rooftops, Mistress, I wish you could... I guess, in that moment, I saw the fundamental difference between knowing something and having someone else know it. In that moment I understood that aspect of you. Now... perhaps I have reverted to not needing it for myself, but I no longer believe it to be folly. I understand it, and accept it.

> > yours,
> > m.
Forever Yours

I am very glad that I wrote the email, it cleared My head and made it less painful to be awake and cognizant of the whole affair. I am also glad that he set My mind at ease. That it was never as bad as I thought it to be, that he just needed to spew upon the page, no matter how vitriolic and over-reactive it was, so that he could get past it and we could  continue to be what we have always been.


Things had been going swimmingly with drew/lynn and his new long distance relationship. He had made no more errors in judgement as far as what to ask and when to ask it, where that is concerned.

Until three days ago. I know that lynn gets upset when I do not call him to say hello while he is working. My main reason for this is because most of the time he is behind the register and has to put the phone down every three seconds to deal with his customers. I don't like having a broken conversation. I find it tedious, no matter whom is on the other end. I also feel that I am not the one that should wait for his attention, he should be the one waiting on Mine.

I called him at about eight thirty one morning as I could not get back to sleep, I thought he would have less customers to deal with and would be doing the daily office work. I was correct in My assumption and we had a nice conversation for a bit there, then he had to count money, I told him I would let him go so that he could get that accomplished and he answered that he was almost done, to which I replied 'and what have you to do after that?' He said he had to do the cigarette count. So instead of continuing our conversation I told him that I would let him go, as I would be waiting for some time to speak to him again without him mumbling numbers in My ear and not hearing a word I said. I professed that I was going to lie down and get some more sleep. He seemed a little put out, but nothing major.
I laid down to finally get back to sleep at around nine. Ten seconds after My head hit the pillow, My text tone rang. I thought it was him telling Me to sleep well or something of that nature, but instead I read.

"Hello my beautiful love, I hope that you slept well,  (and a lot more stuff that was positively dripping with honey) He asked her to call when she awoke, or had a chance or something as well, and ended with, I love you, my beautiful, (insert name of gf here)" I don't remember exactly what the words were, but they were utterly sweet, and charming and meant for someone else. This would not have been a problem for Me, had he stuck to the rules and asked not ten seconds before, if he could text his gf a good morning, and if he could then later receive her call.

I went ballistic. I texted back in all caps. "Wrong fucking number asshole, I was on the phone with you not ten seconds ago and you did not ask." We had an exchange that included lame excuses from him, and angry hurt from Me. I finally ran out of steam with it and told him, not to fret, I was over the worst of it, but there would be consequences. He agreed that that should be so.
Now, My dear drew has some physical issues. He gets blinding headaches quite regularly, and his legs are going due to peripheral artery disease. When he has one of his headaches his right eye closes and I can tell he is in pain. When he arrived home in the evening he came through the door and almost pointedly turned to show Me how bad he looked. I had planned to beat the living shit out of him upon his return, but he ended up asking to go to bead early due to the headache. Upon his arrival home, I was on the fence as to whether the headache was fair to middling, and he just put that wretched face on so I would have to postpone his beating. I don't fucking know with him sometimes. Sometimes it seems awfully convenient.

He was told that he could not speak to his lady love for a week, except under very exacting conditions, and he agreed. The past three days he has been surly and argumentative and a pain in My ass, he has not had his beating as the heat is off and we are all wearing three layers of clothing to keep warm. I never beat rory, he doesn't do well with corporal. So at this point I have given up on the beating until we have some heat in here. I am frustrated beyond belief, I caved and let him begin talking to his lady again just to make hims stop acting like the world is ending, or he is the most put upon person on the face of the earth. I realize this is probably a huge mistake, but honestly his negativity really tires Me out. I am hyper-sensitive to the energies around Me and I just could not take it any more.

Rory was sitting at his computer recently and an old flame popped into his window with the inormation that she is being laid off and is going to be traveling to see a bunch of people before her money runs out.  He immediately told me who it was, and the situation, and asked if he could tell her it was ok to make us a stop on her travels. I knew their history, some of it. I acquiesced, as it is a way for Me to work on the issues I have with trusting that he is indeed all Mine, and not going to go banging the first female that crosses his path. I realize that this insecurity is all in My head for the most part. He told her to add Me to her messenger so that we could discuss the particulars.  Over the next few days we had some discussions where he gave Me more and better information about their relationship. He also iterated some of the things that he was not sure about as far as the upcoming visit was concerned. He also took it upon himself to let Me know that he is blind in certain areas as far as this person is concerned, and to let him know if I saw certain things. We have a dinner out planned in March with this woman. 

Each day that comes to pass, I gain more information about her, and the way she thinks and what she is after. We both agree that we will get through it, and send her on her way.

Friday, February 3, 2012

Vampress rears her head again

When My darling boy arrived in My care, I had no inkling of those that went before Me. I asked questions and he would give Me bits of info. He does, and did so, willingly. There was one however that he was continually close mouthed on, or gave Me very little about.

Fast forward six months in. A name I had seen in his chat friend list became an issue between us. He finally got himself a facebook page around December of 2009. I wasn't keeping tabs on him much at that point in time, if I had a question about this person or that person I would ask. I looked at his page close to Christmas and found a profession of another woman's Dominance being her gift to My property, it was a surprise. I did not react on a public forum, as I was friends with both this woman, and My boy's mother. He had told me to keep the D/s professions off his facebook. I did. She did not.

I can't remember what sort of conversation he and I had about it at the time. It is all blurry for Me. Most likely due to how badly it hurt Me and how much it affected My trust in him at the time. I think he blew it off as her living in a fantasy world which may have been true, but the fact that he did not correct her erroneous beliefs that they had something besides friendship really took Me by surprise.

I messaged her shortly after that on Yahoo, as I wanted to get her side of it and see if I could not salvage the friendship that he held so highly at the time. He apparently had led her to believe that he was living with his father, and not here with Me in Delaware, with My collar locked around his neck. I told her that he had played us both but that he had chosen to come to Me and we needed to work out what sort of contact they were permitted, by Me, to have.

I did not know the extent of their connection, all I knew was that at every turn after that, when they had contact and I tried to salvage just the friendship, or told her OR him that I had to agree to whatever contact they had all I got was vitriol from her and from him, an inability to understand why I thought she was not good for him to be in contact with. I don't know, maybe it was because he told me he loved Me daily, but could not bring himself to tell her that he had a secure place here, that he was loved, that he loved in return. I could never understand his reluctance to let her know in no uncertain terms that he had moved on. Maybe he hadn't and that is what ate at Me every time she injected herself back into his life.

She has done it again.
"Thank you for showing up (meaning he signed into his chat program, which he has not done in a while.) at least I know that you still exist." Followed by a snide profession of not being confrontational or insulting. which in itself is confrontational and insulting. The last time they spoke it was of an evening, rory was sitting at his computer and his chat window popped up. As I do, I said "whodat" mostly because it has become a joke between us, but sometimes it is because I honestly wish to know. This evening in particular it was mostly a joke until he said "Toni". I saw red, I threw a paperweight at him and loosed My tongue on him. I let him know that his inability to tell her what she needed to hear, and his stonewalling of Me where she was concerned had to stop. It did. Gloriously. He finally let her have it with both barrels, much to My personal delight. The woman had used him, refused to take him in when he was living on the street, several times twisted him up and let him swing in the wind many times. Hurt him over and over. I could not believe that he would still even want to speak to someone that had done that to him. His eloquence served him well that evening and I am glad for it.

I have only recently begun to get  over the shadow of the Vampress, and  here she is again.
(then) So many secrets
I have fears where she is concerned. I fear that now that I have the sleeping schedule worked out and will be going to bed ahead of rory some nights, that he will weaken should her name pop up again. I asked if she was blocked, he said no, but his not speaking to her when she pops up in his window sends a clearer message. I fear that he refuses to block her because he knows sooner or later she will pop up when he is free to speak to her. Yes, he logs all his conversations, but after being caught several times I am sure he knows which things to make go poofy and which things to leave for Me to read. I am of the opinion that blocking sends a clearer message, but I have gained enough trust in him to let it be. I am not sure if that is opening Myself up to untold hurt, but I have to do it this way or My fears win.

I will say something for him, He saw that window today, and immediately told me who it was, and that he closed it upon seeing it, and it would be in his logs. He then showed it to Me. I need her to go away, I don't know how to make it happen. I don't know what effect her reappearance is having on him right at this moment. I know got a surge of horny following right on the heels of her popping up, whether his reaction to her, or her firing it at him and him shunting it to Me I don't know. I have to be sure of things, and where she is concerned I am not sure in the slightest.

Why do I fear this person's effect on My darling boy? Because I can't lose him. I couldn't survive the knowledge that he chose to go back to the one who hurt him so badly, the one that I have spent two and a half years cleaning up after, the one that did not care enough to help him grow into himself as I have. I could not ever bear the thought of him losing all that ground, and Me in the process, especially by his own choice. If that comes to pass, I severely misjudged him and our relationship.  I fear it, Yes, it is one of My darkest, but I do not think it will come to pass as much as I once did. Time will tell.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

New Sleeping Arrangements

Two and a half years ago, when rory first came to us, his place was on the floor beside My bed with the other puppies in the house. Due to things moving too fast for My dear drew, he was banished a few short months later, to his own bedroom. Now, some slaves would think this was a good thing. rory has not been happy since. His place, and his view of himself, is to be chained at My bedside, as protector. This runs deeper than just a word for him. It is part of his nature, his canine self needs to protect.

We have made it work, I spend a half an hour with him in  his room, chaining him to his bed, stroking his hair as one would pet their canine companion before sleep. It is always with great regret that I leave his side, not because I think I belong in his bed with him, but because he cannot be beside Mine in the manner that we first agreed upon. One of his duties when he first arrived was to drive off the demons of My frequent nightmares, should they visit in the night. This fell in perfectly with the protector aspect of his persona. He also suffers nightmares and we sort of agreed that would be part of what we did for each other. Drew, though he loves Me, does not get the way dreams affect Me, and what needs to be done for them. He rarely remembers his dreams. I have tried to explain what exactly I need from him when I have a nightmare, but it is something that must be instinctively known. rory has that instinct.

Drew, is not happy with the half hour to an hour that I spend in with rory, he feels slighted that I do not go to bed with him when he goes. He feels My night owl ways keep him from his bed long past when it is time to go to sleep for work. I have told him a million times that it is UP to HIM to get the amount of sleep that he needs but he professes he cannot if I am not beside him. I suppose I understand that, but it feels like I am being given a curfew when I don't really do early bedtimes well, and never have.

The other day when I had My breakthrough with rory, it set My mind to thinking about what are the needs all around? The first thing that came to mind, that I could take steps to correct, steps to make things a bit more equitable among the two of them, was sleeping arrangements and bedtimes. The bedtimes were easy. I just had to take into account, work schedules and the like.

My solution to our collective unhappiness as far as sleeping arrangements.
drew has been given ten nights a month where I will go to bed on his schedule, and spend no time locking rory up. On these nights rory is to come into My room when his bedtime arrives, and spend no more than five minutes saying goodnight, then take the lock for his chain and chain himself to his bed with Me absent.

rory has been given ten days to sleep on the floor by My bed chained to the rail, protecting Me from My demons as we originally agreed. drew seems unsure that he will be able to handle this, but we shall see. He has already said, it depends how it is done. I have tried repeatedly to find out what things would set him off, and what things that should I do them, I will have stepped in shit, but he has been mostly vague and closed mouthed about it. I have a general idea. Something about Me lying on the edge of the bed where I can see and reach My pet throughout the night. I still find Myself balking, since he has been given so much more than rory has in the instance of the sleeping arrangements, and up to now, although I spend time putting rory to bed, I have always spent My nights in our marriage bed. When he brings up his feelings of inequity, My first instinct is to tell him that it could be much worse in his eyes. I have not yet said straight out, that I considered giving rory ten days of Me sleeping in his room with him. By way of compromise, and getting My own need for closeness with rory unchaperoned, I have given rory the 31st of each month that has a 31st, with Me sleeping with him in his room. I know the word unchaperoned could be misconstrued as meaning more than sleeping beside My boy. That is a step that I am not ready to push at this juncture. I think the way I have arranged things should work for everyone, and keep stress about sleeping to a minimum.

The last ten days of the month, I will sleep alone. This also leaves room for one or the other not being able to sleep with Me on their allotted days. drew has a business trip each year, and rory works the overnight much of the time. My sleeping alone nights can be given up to make up the differences for each of them should they miss a night.

Each has also been given his birthday and  our anniversary to sleep beside Me.

This new arrangement commences on the first of February. A coin has been flipped and drew won the toss so he gets his ten days first. I do hope that this works out for the best. I don't really think I could stand it causing more issues as opposed to assuaging them.

Wish Me luck!